Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
