How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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