dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
