if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
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Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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