the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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