I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
