Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
