First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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