also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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