guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
