I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Are we still banned from the library?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Randomize
