I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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