I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
