I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
