1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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