The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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