My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
