11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
