pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
