you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
