it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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