Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
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So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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