I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
