You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I use my feet as sexual weapons
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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