I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
