take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
