So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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