So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
