Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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