I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
