Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
