I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
