that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
