i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
