I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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