You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
