Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
that may or may not have been my penis.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
