I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
