Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
