I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
