So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I look better un-naked...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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