I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
