Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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