Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
that's an acceptable place to lick
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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