some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
did i just pee glitter
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
