Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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