My hand turned me down
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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