k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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