why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish you could order shots online.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
