I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
