I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
