you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've blown a few things in my day
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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