my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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