Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
