Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
