...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
