I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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