Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
